Domestic Violence and Domestic Abuse: Signs, Types, and Help

An estimated 10 million Americans experience domestic violence every year – yet many never realize what's happening to them. That's because domestic abuse doesn't always leave visible bruises. It can look like a partner who controls every dollar you spend, monitors every text you send, or makes you question whether your own feelings are valid.

Domestic violence and domestic abuse affect people of every age, gender, and background. If something in your relationship feels wrong – even if no one has ever hit you – this guide is for you. You'll learn how to recognize every form of abuse, understand why leaving feels so hard, and find the resources you need to move toward safety.

What Is Domestic Violence and Domestic Abuse?

The U.S. Department of Justice defines domestic violence as "a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner." It can include physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, or technological actions – or threats of those actions.

You may hear the terms "domestic violence" and "domestic abuse" used interchangeably, but there's an important distinction. Domestic violence typically refers to physical acts of harm, while domestic abuse is a broader term that captures the full range of controlling behaviors – many of which leave no physical marks at all.

The United Nations makes clear that domestic abuse can be mental, physical, economic, or sexual in nature, and that incidents are rarely isolated. They usually escalate in frequency and severity over time. At its core, abuse is not about anger or losing control – it's about one person systematically maintaining power over another.

Types of Domestic Abuse Beyond Physical Violence

When most people picture domestic abuse, they think of physical violence. But research shows that psychological aggression – including gaslighting, threats, and coercive control – affects nearly half of all adults. Understanding the full spectrum of abuse is essential, because what you can't name, you can't address.

Emotional and Psychological Abuse

Emotional abuse targets your sense of self-worth and reality. It includes constant criticism, name-calling, humiliation in front of others, and threats. One of the most damaging forms is gaslighting in relationships – a coercive control tactic where your partner distorts your reality to maintain power.

As researchers at Western University's Gender-Based Violence Learning Network describe it, "Gaslighting is a coercive control tactic that shifts the focus of concern from the partner's abusive behaviour to the supposed emotional and psychological instability of the survivor." Over time, you may start to doubt your own perceptions, memories, and judgment – a process that can cause long-term cognitive damage.

Other forms of emotional abuse include isolating you from friends and family, using the silent treatment as punishment, threatening to harm themselves if you leave, and weaponizing emotionally charged language against you.

Financial Abuse

Financial abuse is one of the most overlooked forms of domestic violence – and one of the primary reasons people stay in abusive relationships. It can look like a partner who controls all bank accounts, gives you an "allowance," prevents you from working, sabotages your job, or runs up debt in your name.

When you don't have access to your own money, leaving feels impossible. Financial abuse traps you by design.

Coercive Control

Coercive control describes a pattern of behavior that strips away your autonomy and freedom. Research shows that coercive control occurs in up to 58% of intimate partner violence relationships. It includes monitoring your movements, dictating what you wear, controlling who you see, and using intimidation to enforce compliance.

Unlike a single incident of violence, coercive control is a sustained campaign. It creates a climate of fear that shapes every aspect of your daily life – even when no physical violence is present. Understanding nonverbal dominance in relationships can help you recognize the subtler forms of control.

Digital and Technology-Facilitated Abuse

In today's connected world, abuse has gone digital. Technology-facilitated abuse includes tracking your location through shared phone apps, monitoring your texts and emails, installing spyware on your devices, demanding access to your passwords, and using social media to harass or humiliate you.

If your partner insists on knowing your phone passcode, checks your messages, or uses a location-sharing app to monitor your every move, these are red flags – not signs of love or care.

Warning Signs of Domestic Abuse

Abuse rarely starts with a hit. It builds gradually, and many of the earliest warning signs are behavioral – not physical. You may be experiencing domestic abuse if your partner:

• Monitors where you go, who you talk to, and what you do online
• Acts extremely jealous or possessive
• Controls how you spend money or cuts off your financial access
• Isolates you from friends and family
• Criticizes or humiliates you constantly – then tells you it's a "joke"
• Makes you feel like everything is your fault
• Threatens to hurt you, themselves, your children, or your pets
• Destroys your belongings during arguments
• Forces or pressures you into sexual activity
• Uses your immigration status, sexuality, or personal information against you

The Power and Control Wheel, developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth, Minnesota, is one of the most recognized tools for understanding these patterns. It shows how physical and sexual violence form the outer ring, while everyday tactics like intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, and financial control make up the inner ring – all working together to maintain one partner's dominance.

If you recognize several of these behaviors in your relationship, trust your instincts. You are not overreacting. Learn more about recognizing shame in manipulative relationships.

The Cycle of Violence: Why It's Hard to Leave

If you've ever wondered why someone stays in an abusive relationship – or why you yourself haven't left – you're not alone. Psychologist Lenore E. Walker identified the cycle of violence in 1979, and it remains one of the most important frameworks for understanding domestic abuse.

The cycle typically moves through phases: tension building, an acute violent incident, reconciliation (often called the "honeymoon phase"), and a calm period before the tension starts building again. During reconciliation, an abusive partner may apologize, make promises to change, shower you with affection, or minimize what happened. This creates hope – and makes leaving feel premature.

But the cycle almost always repeats, and the violence tends to escalate.

Understanding Trauma Bonding

Beyond the cycle of violence, many survivors experience trauma bonding – a powerful emotional attachment that forms through intermittent reinforcement. When moments of kindness and affection are mixed unpredictably with abuse, your brain forms a bond that can feel as strong as addiction. This is how gaslighting fuels dependency dynamics in abusive relationships.

Gaslighting deepens trauma bonding by making you doubt your own experience. When you're repeatedly told "that never happened" or "you're too sensitive," you may start to believe the problem is you – not your partner's behavior. Understanding the effects of gaslighting on self-perception can help you see through the fog. This self-doubt makes it even harder to trust your instinct to leave.

It's important to know that leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time, according to the U.S. Office on Women's Health. This isn't a reason to stay – it's a reason to plan carefully and seek support.

How to Create a Safety Plan

A safety plan is a personalized, practical plan that helps you protect yourself – whether you're still in the relationship, preparing to leave, or already gone. You don't have to leave today. But having a plan in place means you're ready when the time comes.

While Still in the Relationship

• Identify safe people and safe places. Think about friends, family members, neighbors, or coworkers you can trust. Know where you could go in an emergency.
• Create a code word. Choose a word or phrase you can use in conversation to signal to trusted people that you need help – without your partner knowing.
• Secure important documents. Make copies of your ID, birth certificate, social security card, financial records, and any evidence of abuse. Store them with a trusted person or in a secure location outside your home.
• Protect your digital privacy. Use a computer at a public library or a trusted friend's device to research resources. Clear your browser history or use private browsing mode.

When You're Ready to Leave

• Leave when your partner will least expect it to give yourself more time to get to safety.
• Do not tell or threaten your partner that you're planning to leave. This is the most critical safety step.
• Bring your essentials bag – identification, medication, money, a change of clothes, and key documents.
• Go to a domestic violence shelter, a trusted friend's home, or another safe location that your partner doesn't know about.

After Leaving

• Change your locks, phone number, and passwords. Talk to your phone provider about keeping your new number private.
• Keep your new location confidential. Avoid sharing your address on social media or with anyone who might pass it along.
• Seek a protective order if you feel you're in danger. WomensLaw.org provides free legal information by state.
• Connect with a domestic violence advocate who can help you navigate housing, legal protection, counseling, and other next steps. Building a social support network for recovery is vital for healing.

Resources and Where to Get Help

You don't have to face this alone. These resources are available 24/7, and you do not need to give your name:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 800-799-7233 (SAFE), text START to 88788, or chat online at thehotline.org
• WomensLaw.org: Free legal information and resources by state
• Office on Women's Health: womenshealth.gov – safety planning guides and leaving resources
• RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): Call 800-656-4673 for sexual assault support
• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

If you're in immediate danger, call 911.

FAQ

What is the difference between domestic violence and domestic abuse?

Domestic violence typically refers to physical acts of harm between intimate partners. Domestic abuse is a broader term that includes emotional, psychological, financial, sexual, and digital forms of control and harm. Both are serious, and both deserve intervention and support.

Is emotional abuse considered domestic violence?

Yes. Emotional abuse – including gaslighting, constant criticism, threats, isolation, and coercive control – is a recognized form of domestic violence. Many survivors report that the psychological effects of emotional abuse are as damaging as, or more damaging than, physical violence. Learn how to manage emotional dysregulation after gaslighting.

What are the most common warning signs of domestic abuse?

Common warning signs include extreme jealousy and possessiveness, controlling behavior around money or social activities, isolation from friends and family, monitoring your phone or location, constant criticism or humiliation, and making you question your own reality through gaslighting. Recognizing common gaslighting phrases can help you identify these patterns early.

How do I create a safety plan to leave an abusive relationship?

Start by identifying trusted people and safe places. Create a code word to signal for help. Secure copies of important documents. Pack an emergency bag with essentials. Protect your digital privacy. When you're ready, leave when your partner won't expect it and don't disclose your plan. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 for personalized guidance.

Can men be victims of domestic violence?

Yes. Research shows that approximately 1 in 4 men experience intimate partner violence in their lifetime. Domestic abuse affects people of all genders, sexual orientations, and backgrounds. Resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline serve survivors of every gender.

Is gaslighting a form of domestic abuse?

Yes. Gaslighting is a coercive control tactic in which an abusive partner systematically distorts your reality – denying facts, dismissing your feelings, and making you question your own perceptions and judgment. It is widely recognized by researchers and legal systems as a form of domestic abuse. Explore more about gaslighting and its mental health impacts.

Conclusion

Domestic violence and domestic abuse take many forms – and not all of them are visible. Whether you're experiencing physical harm, emotional manipulation, financial control, or digital surveillance, what's happening to you is real, it matters, and it's not your fault.

Recognizing the signs is the first step. You don't have to have it all figured out right now. You just need to take one step – whether that's saving the hotline number, talking to someone you trust, or using a tool like the Gaslighting Check app to help you see the patterns clearly.

You deserve a life free from fear and control. Help is available, and you are not alone.