Flying Monkeys: How Abusers Recruit Third Parties to Harass or Guilt-Trip You

Have you ever left an abusive relationship, only to have friends or family members suddenly pressure you to "give them another chance"? Do people who claim to care about you keep telling you that you're "being too harsh" or "overreacting"? If this sounds familiar, you may be dealing with what experts call flying monkeys–people who do an abuser's bidding, often without even realizing it.

This manipulation tactic is more common than many people realize, and it can make healing from narcissistic abuse significantly harder. Understanding how narcissists and other manipulators use flying monkeys can help you recognize this tactic, protect yourself, and reclaim your peace of mind.

What Are Flying Monkeys in Narcissistic Abuse?

The term "flying monkeys" comes from The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch of the West sends her winged creatures to do her dirty work. In the context of narcissistic abuse, flying monkeys are people who carry out harassment, manipulation, or guilt-tripping on behalf of the abuser.

As psychologist Dr. Stephanie Sarkis explains in her book Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People–and Break Free:

"The people who willingly, and sometimes unwittingly, do the gaslighter's bidding are known as 'flying monkeys.' The term comes from the winged creatures who accompanied the Wicked Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz. The gaslighter sends these messengers to guilt you back into the relationship."

Flying monkeys differ from enablers in an important way: while enablers passively allow abuse to continue, flying monkeys actively participate in the manipulation–though they often believe they're helping. According to Psychology Today, this dynamic is a hallmark of narcissistic personality patterns, where the narcissist maintains control through a network of relationships rather than direct confrontation alone.

These individuals serve several critical functions for the narcissist:

• Messenger: Delivering communications when you've blocked the abuser, essentially bypassing your boundaries
• Spy: Gathering information about your life, relationships, career moves, and emotional state to report back
• Pressure agent: Applying guilt, shame, or social pressure to make you reconsider your boundaries
• Validator: Reinforcing the narcissist's distorted narrative and making you question your own reality
• Reputation manager: Spreading the narcissist's version of events to mutual contacts, damaging your credibility

The Different Types of Flying Monkeys

Not all flying monkeys operate the same way. Understanding the different types can help you recognize and respond to each appropriately.

The Innocent Dupe

This person has been completely taken in by the narcissist's false narrative. They genuinely believe they're helping everyone involved and have no idea they're being used as a weapon. They might be newer to the narcissist's circle or simply too trusting to imagine such manipulation exists.

The Willing Accomplice

Some flying monkeys know exactly what they're doing. They may have their own reasons for wanting to hurt you, or they've aligned themselves with the narcissist for personal gain–access to resources, social status, or simply being on the "winning side."

The Fearful Follower

This person participates because they're terrified of becoming the narcissist's next target. They've witnessed the abuse you experienced and decided that compliance is safer than resistance. Their behavior is driven by self-preservation rather than malice.

The Enmeshed Believer

Particularly common in family systems, this flying monkey is so deeply intertwined with the narcissist that they cannot see the dysfunction. They've normalized the abuse over years or decades and may genuinely believe that "this is just how families work."

Why Do People Become Flying Monkeys?

Understanding why people become flying monkeys can help reduce the personal pain when it happens. Most flying monkeys aren't inherently malicious–they've been manipulated too.

They Believe the Narcissist's False Narrative

Narcissists are master storytellers. They craft compelling victim narratives that paint you as the unreasonable one. When someone only hears one side of the story–especially from a skilled manipulator–they may genuinely believe they're helping by intervening.

Research on manipulation tactics shows that abusers often use a technique called "DARVO"–Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. This makes the actual victim appear to be the aggressor while the abuser claims victimhood.

Dr. Sarkis notes:

"If you tell a flying monkey that a gaslighter was abusive toward you, for example, she will take that back to the gaslighter, who will likely tell the flying monkey a story about how you are the truly crazy one."

They Fear Becoming the Next Target

Some people become flying monkeys because they've seen what happens to those who oppose the narcissist. Rather than risk becoming the new target, they align themselves with the abuser–a survival mechanism that unfortunately hurts you in the process.

This is particularly common in workplace settings or tight-knit communities where the narcissist holds power. The flying monkey may rationalize their behavior as "staying out of it" while actively participating in the harm.

They Genuinely Want to "Fix" Things

Well-meaning friends and family often believe in reconciliation and giving people second chances. They may not understand the dynamics of abuse and genuinely think they're helping everyone by encouraging you to reconnect.

These flying monkeys often come from healthy family backgrounds where disagreements can be resolved through communication. They project this experience onto your situation, not understanding that normal conflict resolution strategies don't work with narcissists.

They're Already Enmeshed

In family systems with a narcissist, certain members may be so deeply enmeshed that they can't see the dysfunction. They've normalized the behavior and may even gaslight you themselves, insisting "that's just how they are" or "you know how your father gets."

They Benefit from the Status Quo

Sometimes flying monkeys have practical reasons for maintaining the current dynamic. They might depend on the narcissist financially, receive favorable treatment as the "golden child," or simply prefer avoiding the discomfort that would come from acknowledging the abuse.

How Narcissists Recruit Flying Monkeys

Narcissists don't recruit flying monkeys by directly asking people to harass you. Instead, they use sophisticated manipulation tactics that make others feel like they're doing the right thing. Understanding these recruitment strategies can help you see through the manipulation.

Playing the Victim

The narcissist tells carefully crafted stories about how they were wronged. They might cry, express confusion, or claim they "just don't understand" why you won't speak to them. This performance generates sympathy and protective instincts in potential flying monkeys.

They may say things like: "I've tried everything, but they just won't talk to me. I don't know what I did wrong." This conveniently omits the abuse that led to your boundaries.

Sharing Distorted Information

By selectively sharing information–or outright lying–narcissists create a version of events that makes you look unreasonable. They might:

• Take your words completely out of context
• Exaggerate your reactions while minimizing or omitting their behavior
• Invent incidents that never happened
• Claim you said things you never said
• Show edited text messages or emails that remove crucial context
• Cry while sharing their "version" to seem more credible

Triangulation

This classic narcissist tactic, well-documented in psychological literature, involves bringing a third party into the dynamic. The narcissist might tell your mutual friend, "I'm so worried about [your name]. Can you check on them and let me know how they're doing?" This positions the narcissist as caring while turning the friend into an information gatherer.

Triangulation serves multiple purposes: it provides the narcissist with intelligence about your life, makes you feel surveilled and paranoid, and allows the narcissist to maintain connection with you even when you've cut direct contact.

Leveraging Existing Trust

Narcissists specifically target people you trust–family members, old friends, colleagues–because messages from these sources carry more weight. They know a text from your mother will affect you more than one from a stranger.

They also target people who have influence in your community, workplace, or social circles. By "getting to them first," the narcissist can shape the narrative before you have a chance to share your experience.

Creating Urgency and Crisis

Narcissists often manufacture emergencies to mobilize flying monkeys: "I'm so worried about them, they seemed unstable last time we talked" or "I think they might be having a breakdown." This creates a sense of urgency that overrides critical thinking and makes flying monkeys feel like they're performing a rescue mission.

Recognizing Flying Monkey Tactics

Being able to identify flying monkey behavior helps you respond appropriately rather than reactively. Watch for these signs:

Unsolicited Relationship Advice

A flying monkey might say things like:

• "I really think you should give them another chance"
• "They're your parent/sibling/partner–you can't just cut them off"
• "Have you thought about their perspective?"
• "They're really hurting without you"
• "Life is too short to hold grudges"
• "They're not going to be around forever, you know"

Acting as a Messenger

They pass along communications from the narcissist:

• "They asked me to tell you..."
• "They want you to know that..."
• "They said they'll change if you just..."
• "They're really sorry and they want to make things right"
• "They sent me this letter/gift to give to you"

Reporting Your Activities

You discover the narcissist knows details about your life that you didn't share with them–information that could only have come from mutual contacts. Your new job, relationship status, home address, or social media posts somehow reach the narcissist despite your efforts to maintain privacy.

Minimizing or Denying the Abuse

Flying monkeys often:

• Say you're being "too sensitive" or "dramatic"
• Claim you're "holding a grudge" or "being petty"
• Suggest the abuse "wasn't that bad" or "happened so long ago"
• Remind you of "good times" to overshadow the harm
• Tell you "every family has problems"
• Insist the narcissist "didn't mean it that way"

Pressure Around Events

They create guilt about holidays, family gatherings, or special occasions:

• "Your mother will be devastated if you don't come to Christmas"
• "How will it look if you're not at the wedding?"
• "You're tearing the family apart"
• "Grandma is asking why you're not coming–what am I supposed to tell her?"
• "It's been long enough, don't you think?"

The "Concerned" Approach

Some flying monkeys frame their interference as concern for you:

• "I'm worried about you isolating yourself"
• "Are you sure you're thinking clearly about this?"
• "Have you considered talking to someone?" (implying you need mental health help for setting boundaries)

The Psychological Impact of Flying Monkey Abuse

Being targeted by flying monkeys can cause significant psychological harm that compounds the original abuse. Understanding these effects is important for healing.

Secondary Traumatization

Each flying monkey encounter can retraumatize you by:

• Forcing you to relive and defend against the original abuse
• Making you feel unsafe in relationships you thought were secure
• Triggering hypervigilance about who you can trust
• Extending the narcissist's reach into spaces you thought were safe

Social Isolation

Flying monkeys can make you feel like you're fighting an entire network rather than one person. This can lead to:

• Withdrawal from social situations where flying monkeys might appear
• Difficulty trusting new people
• Reluctance to share your experience for fear of disbelief
• Shrinking your world to avoid potential attacks

Self-Doubt and Gaslighting Effects

When multiple people tell you that you're overreacting or that your boundaries are unreasonable, it becomes harder to trust your own perceptions. This is exactly what the narcissist wants–the flying monkeys extend the gaslighting effect.

Grief and Loss

You may experience grief over:

• Relationships you thought were genuine that turned out to be compromised
• The fantasy of having a supportive family or friend group
• Your previous sense of security and trust
• The person you hoped the narcissist could become

How to Protect Yourself from Flying Monkeys

Protecting yourself from flying monkeys requires strategic boundaries and careful management of information flow. The National Domestic Violence Hotline recommends developing a comprehensive safety plan that includes managing third-party contacts.

Implement Information Boundaries

The most powerful protection is controlling what information reaches the narcissist through flying monkeys:

• Share minimally: Keep conversations surface-level with anyone who might report back. Stick to weather, sports, and generic topics.
• Delay news: Don't share major life updates immediately; wait until they're less actionable or the narcissist can't use them against you.
• Assume information flows both ways: If you wouldn't want the narcissist to know something, don't tell anyone connected to them–even people you think are "safe."
• Vary your routine: If flying monkeys are reporting on your movements, make yourself less predictable.

Use the Gray Rock Method

When forced to interact with flying monkeys, become as interesting as a gray rock:

• Give short, boring, non-committal responses: "Mmhmm," "I see," "Interesting"
• Don't explain, defend yourself, or share your reasoning
• Show no emotional reaction to provocations or bait
• Avoid sharing opinions, plans, or personal information
• Redirect conversations to neutral topics

The goal is to make interactions so boring that flying monkeys lose interest in engaging with you–and have nothing interesting to report back.

Identify Your Trusted Circle

Determine who has earned your trust through consistent behavior:

• They don't pressure you about the narcissist
• They keep your information confidential–even when directly asked
• They validate rather than minimize your experience
• They respect your boundaries without questioning them
• They don't maintain a relationship with the narcissist while claiming to support you
• They've demonstrated loyalty during difficult moments

Set Clear Boundaries with Scripts

Be direct about what you will and won't discuss. Having prepared responses helps:

• "I'm not comfortable discussing [narcissist's name]. Let's talk about something else."
• "I've made my decision and I'm not looking for input on this."
• "If you continue bringing this up, I'll need to end our conversation."
• "I understand you have a different perspective, but my decision is final."
• "I'm not going to explain my reasons. This topic is closed."

Document Harassment

Keep records of flying monkey contact, especially if it escalates:

• Save messages, emails, and voicemails
• Screenshot social media interactions before blocking
• Note dates, times, and details of verbal encounters
• Record who said what and in what context
• This documentation may be valuable if you ever need to pursue legal action, obtain a restraining order, or simply need to remind yourself that you're not imagining things

Consider Going Low or No Contact

For persistent flying monkeys, you may need to:

• Reduce contact to only essential communications
• Block them on social media and phone
• Limit their access to information about your life
• Accept that the relationship may not be salvageable
• Grieve the loss and move forward

When Flying Monkeys Are Family Members

Perhaps the most painful aspect of flying monkeys is when they're your own family members. Dr. Sarkis acknowledges this difficult reality:

"Not everyone in the family is going to see gaslighters the same way you do. Don't expect other family members or friends to understand. These are the people gaslighters will use to bring you back into the fold."

Understanding Family Dynamics

In families with narcissistic members, roles often become rigid. The Out of the FOG website describes these patterns extensively:

• The golden child may become a flying monkey to maintain their favored status and the benefits that come with it
• The scapegoat who hasn't escaped may become a flying monkey to redirect abuse toward you
• The peacekeeper may pressure you to reconcile to restore family "harmony" because your boundaries make everyone uncomfortable
• Enmeshed family members may be unable to see the dysfunction because they're part of it and recognizing the abuse would require them to confront their own experiences

Navigating Family Events

If you choose to attend family gatherings:

• Arrive with a clear exit plan–know how you'll leave if needed
• Bring your own transportation so you can leave whenever you need to
• Bring a supportive person when possible who understands the situation
• Limit interaction with the narcissist and their flying monkeys
• Leave immediately if boundaries are violated–no explanations needed
• Have self-care planned for afterward

Acceptance vs. Convincing

One of the hardest lessons is accepting that you may never convince flying monkeys of the truth. Spending energy trying to make them understand often:

• Gives the narcissist more information and drama to exploit
• Exhausts you emotionally without changing anything
• Rarely succeeds, because they're invested in their narrative
• Keeps you engaged with a toxic system

Sometimes the healthiest choice is accepting that some relationships cannot survive your healing–and that's okay. You're not obligated to maintain relationships that harm you, regardless of shared DNA.

Flying Monkeys in the Workplace

Narcissists don't only appear in families. Workplace flying monkeys present unique challenges:

How Workplace Flying Monkeys Operate

• Spreading gossip about your performance or character
• Excluding you from meetings or communications
• Taking credit for your work while blaming you for problems
• Reporting distorted information to management
• Creating a hostile environment while maintaining plausible deniability

Protecting Yourself at Work

• Document everything in writing
• Keep copies of your work and accomplishments
• Build relationships with neutral parties and allies
• Know your company's HR policies and procedures
• Consider consulting with an employment attorney if harassment escalates
• Recognize when it may be time to leave for your own wellbeing

Moving Forward: Reclaiming Your Peace

Understanding flying monkeys is part of reclaiming your power after narcissistic abuse. Remember these key truths:

• You're not imagining things. Flying monkeys are a documented manipulation tactic, not a sign that you're overreacting or being "too sensitive."
• Their behavior reflects the narcissist's influence, not necessarily their true character–though it still causes real harm that you don't have to accept.
• You have the right to protect yourself by limiting contact with anyone who threatens your wellbeing, regardless of their relationship to you.
• Healing is possible when you surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and believe your experience.
• You don't owe anyone an explanation for protecting yourself from harm.

The pain of losing relationships to the flying monkey dynamic is real and deserves to be grieved. But relationships built on manipulation and disrespect are not relationships worth preserving at the cost of your mental health.

You deserve connections with people who see you clearly, believe you, and support your right to live free from abuse. Those people exist, and making room for them sometimes means letting go of those who don't.

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Related Reading:

• Understanding Gaslighting: When Someone Makes You Question Your Reality
• Going No Contact with a Narcissist: A Complete Guide

Additional Resources:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline – 1-800-799-7233, available 24/7
• Out of the FOG – Resources for family members of people with personality disorders
• Psychology Today: Find a Therapist – Locate a mental health professional in your area

If you're experiencing abuse or need support, you don't have to navigate this alone. Reach out to a qualified mental health professional or contact the resources listed above.