Unconscious gaslighting vs intentional: 3 big differences

Have you ever felt unsure or questioned your memory during a fight with someone? Gaslighting can happen without you knowing. It can be done on purpose or by accident. Only about 19% of people in the US can spot gaslighting correctly. Many people think gaslighting is always planned. But sometimes it happens because someone does not know what they are doing. If you know the difference between unconscious gaslighting and intentional gaslighting, you can keep yourself safe and have better relationships.

Key Takeaways

• Unconscious gaslighting happens by accident. It can make you question your feelings or memory. The person does not always want to hurt you.

• Intentional gaslighting is done on purpose. Someone tries to control and confuse you. They may deny facts, blame you, or make you feel unsure.

• Both types of gaslighting hurt your mental health. They can cause confusion, low self-esteem, and anxiety. Intentional gaslighting can cause worse trauma and make you feel alone.

• Watch for signs like blaming, denying your feelings, or making you say sorry a lot. Feeling alone can also be a sign of gaslighting in any relationship.

• Trust your feelings and write down confusing events. Set clear boundaries and get help from people you trust or from professionals to stay safe.

Unconscious Gaslighting

Definition

Unconscious gaslighting is when someone says or does things that make you question what is real. They do not mean to confuse you. In psychology, gaslighting is when someone changes facts or memories. This makes you doubt your feelings or memory. With unconscious gaslighting, the person does not know they are doing it. Even if they do not plan to hurt you, it can still be painful. Over time, this can make you feel lost and unsure. You might start to rely on the other person for answers or approval.

How It Happens

Unintentional gaslighting can happen in normal life. For example, a parent might say you are too sensitive when you are sad. A friend might say something did not happen because they forgot. These things are not meant to hurt you, but they still make you doubt yourself. Mental health experts say this can happen when someone wants you to “think positive” but ignores your true feelings. It can also happen when someone blames you or acts like they care but does not. You might feel weak or guilty. The person may not know they are hurting you, but it still affects you.

Note: Unintentional gaslighting can happen with family, friends, or at work. Sometimes people act this way because of their own past or because they do not realize it.

Here is a table with common scenarios:

Signs

You can notice unconscious gaslighting by looking for certain signs. You might start to doubt what you remember or feel scared to share your feelings. Here are some signs:

• The person ignores your feelings or says you worry too much.

• You feel like you cannot talk during arguments.

• You say sorry a lot, even if you did nothing wrong.

• The person blames you or other things.

• You feel bad for sharing your feelings.

• You have trouble making choices because you doubt yourself.

• You feel upset, like anxious or sad, for no clear reason.

• You feel like you are never good enough in the relationship.

Unintentional gaslighting can make you doubt yourself and feel confused. Even if the person does not mean it, it can hurt your mental health. If you see these signs, you might be experiencing unintentional gaslighting.

Intentional Gaslighting

Definition

Intentional gaslighting is when someone tries to trick you on purpose. They want you to doubt what you know is real. Experts say this is not just a mistake. The person wants you to question your memory and feelings. They may even want you to feel like you are going crazy. This usually happens when one person has more power in a relationship. The gaslighter tells lies and says your memories are wrong. They want you to depend on them and feel unsure. This is not like a normal argument. It is always about control and making you confused.

The word "gaslighting" comes from a play and movie called "Gaslight." In the story, a husband tries to make his wife think she is losing her mind.

How It Happens

You can see intentional gaslighting by looking for certain actions. The person might lie or say things did not happen. They may blame you for things they did. Sometimes, they change their story to make you feel lost. They might act nice sometimes to keep you guessing. They may try to keep you away from friends or family. The gaslighter might make you fix problems just to keep peace. You may feel like you did something wrong, even if you did not. Their main goal is to make you trust them more and doubt yourself.

Here are some ways people use intentional gaslighting:

1. Lying or changing facts to trick you.

2. Denying things and blaming you instead.

3. Acting different at different times to confuse you.

4. Keeping you away from people who help you.

5. Making you feel bad or scared to speak up.

6. Making you feel less sure about yourself.

Signs

You can spot intentional gaslighting by watching for signs. The person may say they never did or said something, even if you remember. They might say, "You are making it up," or "No one else would believe you." You may start to feel mixed up or worried. You might say sorry a lot, even if it is not your fault. It can get hard to make choices because you do not trust yourself. The gaslighter may try to keep you away from friends or family. This can make you feel alone.

Some warning signs are:

• The person always says your worries are not true.

• They tell big lies or twist what happened.

• They make you feel bad or ashamed.

• They slowly keep you away from people who care about you.

• They blame you for things they did.

If you see these things, you might be dealing with intentional gaslighting. This can hurt your self-esteem and make you doubt what is real. Noticing these signs is the first step to keeping yourself safe.

Key Differences

Awareness and Intent

There is a big difference between unconscious and intentional gaslighting. It is about how much the person knows and what they want. With unconscious gaslighting, the person does not know they are doing it. They might say things that make you doubt yourself. They do not want to hurt you. For example, a boss at work might give feedback that makes you feel unsure. The boss does not mean to confuse you. This kind of gaslighting comes from habits or things learned over time.

Intentional gaslighting is not the same. The person knows what they are doing. They want to control how you think and feel. For example, a husband might move things and tell his wife she is imagining it. He wants her to feel lost and confused. This is a type of psychological manipulation. The gaslighter plans to make you doubt what is real. Intent and awareness are what make these two types different.

Tip: If you feel confused and the other person does not seem to know, it could be unconscious gaslighting. If the person acts with a plan to make you doubt yourself, it is probably intentional.

Motivation and Goals

The reason for gaslighting also shows a difference. Unconscious gaslighting often happens because someone wants to avoid a fight or protect their own feelings. They may want to keep things calm or not feel bad. They do not want to hurt you. For example, a parent might say, “You are too sensitive,” because they do not want to talk about your feelings. Their goal is to make things easier for themselves, not to control you.

Intentional gaslighting is much worse. The person wants power and control. They use gaslighting to hurt you on purpose. Their goal is to make you depend on them and doubt yourself. Sometimes, they want to keep you away from friends and family. This kind of abuse happens in unhealthy relationships. The gaslighter uses lies and denial to keep you confused. The goals of intentional gaslighting are about control and harm. Unconscious gaslighting usually happens because the person does not know better.

Impact and Response

Both types of gaslighting can hurt your mental health. You might stop trusting yourself and feel sad or worried. Gaslighting can cause low self-esteem, depression, and even trauma. Many people have trouble making choices or talking to others after gaslighting. The effects can last a long time, especially if it keeps happening.

Unconscious gaslighting can make you feel unsure and confused. But you might still feel safe talking to the person. You may notice rude or mean behavior, but you do not always feel scared. Getting better often means learning to trust yourself again and getting help from friends or therapists.

Intentional gaslighting usually causes more harm. You may feel alone, scared, and powerless. The gaslighter’s actions can make you question your mind. This kind of abuse can leave deep scars and take a long time to heal. You may need help from support groups or mental health experts to feel better again.

Note: Gaslighting, whether unconscious or intentional, is a kind of psychological abuse. Both types can hurt your self-esteem and mental health. Knowing which type you are facing can help you decide what to do and how to get help.

Similarities in Gaslighting

Effects on Victims

Gaslighting, whether it is unconscious or intentional, can hurt people in the same ways. Both types make you question what is real and doubt your own choices. Experts say this kind of abuse causes a lot of confusion and strong feelings. You might feel lost or anxious. Sometimes you may even think you cannot trust your own memory. Over time, these feelings can make your body and mind feel worse.

Surveys show that people who go through gaslighting often have low self-esteem. They feel confused all the time and get very tired from their feelings. You might feel alone and start to depend on the person who is gaslighting you. This kind of abuse can make it hard to have good relationships. It can also cause serious mental health problems like depression or complex PTSD. It does not matter if the person knows what they are doing or not. The harm from gaslighting is real and lasts a long time.

Gaslighting can create an unhealthy power balance in your relationship. You might stop wanting to be a leader or start doubting yourself, even outside the relationship. This shows how harmful gaslighting can be and is a sign of a toxic relationship.

Common Behaviors

You can find gaslighting by watching for certain actions that happen in both unconscious and intentional cases. These actions often include:

• Ignoring your feelings or saying you are overreacting.

• Not letting you speak up during fights.

• Blaming you or other things instead of taking blame.

• Making you feel like you are not good enough.

• Making you feel guilty when you share your feelings.

• Creating a place where you feel like you have no voice.

• Not taking blame and trying to distract you from the truth.

• Making you doubt what you remember or believe.

• Using tricks like denial, blaming others, or saying your feelings do not matter.

• Using their power to control how you see things.

These actions make a pattern that can leave you feeling mixed up and very tired inside. You might see that the person who gaslights you almost never says sorry or cares about your feelings. This can make you wonder if you are important or if your relationship is healthy. Seeing these actions is the first step to understanding gaslighting and keeping your mind healthy.

Recognizing Gaslighting

Unconscious Gaslighting Tips

You can notice unintentional gaslighting by watching how people react to your feelings and memories. Mental health experts give some ways to spot and handle this kind of gaslighting:

• Look for people who say you are "too sensitive" or tell you not to feel a certain way.

• Notice if someone says things did not happen when you remember them.

• Pay attention if you start to doubt your own memory or feelings around someone.

• Write down confusing talks to help you see if there is a pattern.

• Try to listen well and show you care about others’ feelings, even if you do not agree.

• Use "I" statements to talk about your feelings without blaming others.

• Help everyone talk openly and make sure it feels safe to share.

• Think about your own actions and ask others for feedback to see if you or someone else is doing unintentional gaslighting.

• Make clear rules for yourself and get help from friends or professionals you trust.

Tip: If you feel mixed up or nervous after talking to someone, you might be dealing with unintentional gaslighting. Trust your feelings and ask for help if you need it.

Intentional Gaslighting Tips

Intentional gaslighting is harder to deal with because it is done on purpose to control you. You can look for these warning signs:

1. The person tells clear lies or changes facts to make you doubt yourself.

2. You hear things like “You’re making things up” or “You’re too sensitive.”

3. The person blames you for things they did or says things did not happen when you know they did.

4. You feel alone from friends or family because of what they say.

5. You say sorry a lot or feel like you never do anything right.

6. You notice you feel less sure of yourself and feel sad or empty.

7. You make excuses for their actions or hide things to avoid fights.

8. You feel like you are not the same person as before.

If you see these signs, you may need to learn how to keep yourself safe. Talk to someone you trust or a mental health expert for help.

Real-Life Examples

Gaslighting can happen in families, friendships, or at work. Here are some examples:

You might see unintentional gaslighting when a parent brushes off a child’s feelings or a boss does not listen to your ideas. Intentional gaslighting often happens when someone tries to control you by denying facts or blaming you. Learning how to handle both types helps you protect your mind and have better relationships.

You have learned the three main differences between unconscious and intentional gaslighting. These are awareness, motivation, and impact. You can use this knowledge to notice bad patterns in any relationship. If you think gaslighting is happening, look for the signs. Try to collect proof and talk to people you trust for help. Therapy and taking care of yourself can help you feel better and set limits. Acting early keeps your mind healthy and helps you feel in charge again. Always remember, you should get respect and honesty in every relationship.

FAQ

What should you do if you think someone is gaslighting you?

Start by trusting your feelings. Write down what happens. Talk to someone you trust. If you feel safe, share your concerns with the person. You can also reach out to a counselor or mental health expert for help.

Can gaslighting happen at work or school?

Yes, gaslighting can happen anywhere. You might see it with a boss, coworker, teacher, or classmate. Watch for signs like someone denying your experiences or making you doubt yourself. You deserve respect in every place.

How can you protect yourself from gaslighting?

Set clear boundaries. Keep a journal of events. Stay connected with friends and family. If you feel confused, ask for outside support. Remember, your feelings and memories matter.

Is it possible to stop someone from gaslighting you?

You cannot always change another person’s actions. You can set limits and speak up for yourself. If the person does not stop, you may need to distance yourself or seek help from a professional.