Flying Monkeys: How Narcissists Use Enablers Against You

You confide in a mutual friend about a difficult situation with someone close to you. A few days later, the narcissist in your life throws your exact words back at you – twisted, weaponized, and delivered with a smirk. You feel blindsided. How did they know?

The answer is flying monkeys – people the narcissist recruits to spy, relay messages, and pressure you on their behalf. If you have ever felt like you are fighting an invisible army, you are not imagining it. Narcissists rarely work alone. They build networks of enablers who – knowingly or unknowingly – do their dirty work.

In this guide, you will learn exactly what flying monkeys are, how to spot them, and six proven strategies to protect yourself from the narcissist's enablers.

What Are Flying Monkeys in Narcissistic Abuse?

Flying monkeys is a popular psychology term for people who act on behalf of a narcissist – carrying out manipulation, surveillance, or harassment against the narcissist's target. The term has gained traction among mental health professionals and abuse recovery communities as a way to describe a pattern that victims encounter repeatedly.

According to the Cleveland Clinic, approximately 6% of the population has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). While not every person with NPD uses flying monkeys, those who do can cause devastating harm through this network of enablers.

Where the Term Comes From

The phrase originates from The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum. In the story, the Wicked Witch of the West sends her winged monkeys to capture Dorothy and her companions. The monkeys do not question the command – they simply obey.

In real life, the dynamic is strikingly similar. The narcissist positions themselves as the victim, paints you as the villain, and dispatches their flying monkeys to "handle" you.

How Flying Monkeys Differ from Ordinary Allies

Everyone has friends and family who take their side during conflict. That is normal. What makes flying monkeys different is how they are recruited and what they are asked to do.

As clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula explains, "Narcissists engage in a long con – using charm and strategic manipulation to build alliances and discredit their victims." Flying monkeys are not simply offering support. They are executing a campaign designed to isolate you, undermine your credibility, and keep the narcissist in control. This pattern is central to the narcissistic abuse cycle – a repeating loop of idealization and devaluation that keeps victims off balance.

Types of Flying Monkeys: Benevolent vs Malevolent

Not all flying monkeys are created equal. Understanding the difference between the two main types helps you calibrate your response.

Benevolent Flying Monkeys

These are the well-meaning friends, family members, or coworkers who genuinely believe they are helping. They have been manipulated by the narcissist's charm offensive – love-bombed into loyalty, fed a carefully constructed narrative, and convinced that you are the problem.

Example: Your mother-in-law calls to say, "I just think you should give them another chance. They are really hurting." She does not realize the narcissist coached her to make that call – or that "giving them another chance" means accepting ongoing abuse.

Benevolent flying monkeys are often the hardest to deal with because their intentions feel genuine. They may even believe they are acting out of love for you.

Malevolent Flying Monkeys

These individuals know exactly what they are doing – and they enjoy it. They may have narcissistic traits themselves or simply thrive on the drama and power that comes with being in the narcissist's inner circle.

Example: A coworker who actively spreads rumors about you to the boss, monitors your social media activity, and reports back to the narcissist. They are not confused or manipulated – they are willing participants.

How Narcissists Recruit Their Flying Monkeys

Understanding the recruitment playbook helps you recognize when it is happening – and intervene before the network tightens around you.

Triangulation is the primary tool. The narcissist creates a three-way dynamic where they control the flow of information between you and the potential flying monkey. They tell each person a different version of events, ensuring confusion and division. This divide-and-conquer strategy is one of the narcissist's most effective weapons.

The smear campaign follows closely. The narcissist systematically destroys your reputation by sharing half-truths, exaggerations, and outright lies with anyone who will listen. If you are dealing with this tactic, our guide on surviving a narcissist's smear campaign can help. Licensed Mental Health Counselor Christine Hammond notes that "flying monkeys get caught up in a narcissist's plan – often to damage the life of another person."

Love-bombing and fear seal the deal. The narcissist rewards loyal flying monkeys with attention, praise, and inclusion – while subtly threatening what happens to those who question them. The message is clear: stay on my side, or become the next target. This dynamic is a core part of how narcissistic supply works – the narcissist needs constant validation to maintain their self-image.

Common Flying Monkey Tactics to Watch For

Once you know what to look for, flying monkey behavior becomes easier to spot:

• Information gathering: They ask probing questions about your life, plans, or emotional state – then relay everything back to the narcissist
• Guilt-tripping: "You are tearing the family apart" or "Can you not just be the bigger person?" – designed to pressure you into compliance
• Gaslighting by proxy: They repeat the narcissist's version of events as if it were fact, making you question your own memory and perception. Learn more about how narcissists gaslight to recognize this pattern
• Social media monitoring: They track your posts, photos, and interactions – sometimes creating fake accounts to maintain surveillance
• Workplace interference: In professional settings, they may exclude you from meetings, take credit for your work, or undermine trust at work

6 Ways to Protect Yourself from Flying Monkeys

You cannot control the narcissist or their enablers – but you can take back control of your own boundaries and wellbeing.

1. Set Firm Boundaries

Define clearly what you will and will not discuss with people connected to the narcissist. When a flying monkey tries to relay a message or pressure you, respond with a calm, direct statement:

"I appreciate your concern, but I am not going to discuss this with you."

Then follow through. Boundaries only work if you enforce them consistently.

2. Use the Gray Rock Technique

The gray rock method means becoming as emotionally uninteresting as possible when interacting with flying monkeys or the narcissist. Give short, factual responses. Do not share your feelings, plans, or reactions.

For example, if a flying monkey asks how you are handling the breakup, your gray rock response might be: "I am doing fine, thanks." No details. No emotion. Nothing they can report back.

This works because narcissists – and by extension their flying monkeys – feed on emotional reactions. When you stop providing that supply, the dynamic loses its power.

3. Limit Information Sharing

Treat every person connected to the narcissist as a potential information leak – at least until they have proven otherwise. This is not paranoia. It is strategic self-protection.

Put the narcissist and their network on an information diet. Share only what is absolutely necessary and nothing more. Keep your plans, feelings, and personal updates within a trusted circle that has no connection to the narcissist.

4. Document Everything

Keep records of messages, emails, and interactions – especially if flying monkeys are active in your workplace or if legal proceedings are a possibility. Screenshots, saved emails, and written notes with dates create a factual record that counters the narcissist's narrative.

This is particularly important in custody disputes, workplace harassment cases, or situations where the narcissist's smear campaign could affect your professional reputation.

5. Build a Separate Support Network

You need people in your corner who are completely outside the narcissist's sphere of influence. This might include:

• A therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery
• Friends who have no connection to the narcissist
• Support groups for emotional abuse survivors
• A trusted mentor or coach

Having this network gives you a safe space to process your experiences without worrying that your words will be weaponized against you.

6. Consider No Contact or Low Contact

When boundaries are not enough – when flying monkeys continue to breach your limits despite clear communication – reducing or eliminating contact may be the healthiest option.

No contact means blocking the narcissist and their flying monkeys on all channels: phone, email, social media, and in person. Low contact means limiting interactions to only what is strictly necessary – such as co-parenting logistics – while keeping everything brief, factual, and unemotional.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do you recognize a flying monkey?

Flying monkeys show specific behavioral patterns. They frequently relay messages from the narcissist, pressure you to reconcile or forgive, guilt-trip you for setting boundaries, and report your activities back to the narcissist. You may notice they ask unusually detailed questions about your personal life or repeat the narcissist's exact phrases when talking to you.

How do you respond to a flying monkey?

Use the gray rock technique – keep your responses short, factual, and emotionally neutral. Set clear boundaries about what topics are off-limits. Avoid JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain), which only gives them more ammunition. If a flying monkey will not respect your boundaries, limit or end contact with them.

Who are flying monkeys loyal to?

Flying monkeys are loyal to the narcissist's narrative, not necessarily to the narcissist as a person – and certainly not to the truth. Benevolent flying monkeys believe the story they have been told. Malevolent ones are loyal to the power and status they gain from the alliance. In both cases, their loyalty can shift if they eventually become the narcissist's target.

Why do flying monkeys believe the narcissist?

Narcissists are skilled storytellers who craft compelling victim narratives. They use charm, half-truths, and selective disclosure to paint a picture where they are the wronged party. Flying monkeys often lack the full context and are working with incomplete – and deliberately distorted – information. Many also have their own psychological needs that the narcissist exploits, such as a desire to be needed or fear of conflict.

Do flying monkeys ever see through the narcissist?

Some do – particularly benevolent flying monkeys who eventually witness the narcissist's behavior firsthand. When the narcissist turns on a former flying monkey, the illusion can shatter quickly. However, many flying monkeys remain loyal for years due to fear, codependency, or their own narcissistic tendencies. The key is not to wait for flying monkeys to change – focus on protecting yourself.